Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
