Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
