You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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