dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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