Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
this hospital has no fireball
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
