I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
