my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
