Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Randomize
