Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
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