I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
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