I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
