Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Randomize
