so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
