if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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