if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
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