Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
