I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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