My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
