if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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