Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
