so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Let's paint friendship bongs
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
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