Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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