She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
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