allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
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