Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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