i was born a porn star she said
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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