If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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