so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
