I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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