I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Randomize
