so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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