if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Randomize
