good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Randomize
