This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
