shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
