my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Randomize
