Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Let's paint friendship bongs
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
i've created a new STD.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Randomize