if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
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