Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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