Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
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