now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
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he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
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Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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