the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
