I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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