My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
