My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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