wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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