my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
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