My cat gives me a boner
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Randomize
