Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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