you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
