Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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