I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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