Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
