Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek