and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
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Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
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Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I just forgot I was standing up.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.