There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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