Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Randomize
