I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
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Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
