1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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