Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
