your parents love me but you hate me
No awkward lesbian experiences without me
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Randomize