Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
