i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
