I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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