how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
