New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Randomize
