The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Randomize
